I fear I may have spoken too soon in my last post. I have an awful feeling of panic that keeps coming over me this evening that I cant seem to shake off. It’s an actual physical feeling, a bit like butterflies in the tummy – a feeling of nerves and fear. What if IVF doesn’t work the next time round?
I think these nerves stem from two things. Firstly, we had our follow up appointment at the fertility clinic yesterday. A pretty pointless meeting if I’m honest, although one thing that we did learn is that all 9 of our embryos were still very good quality at day 3 (most of them an A and a couple B). Then on day 4 they all just seemed to slow right down in their development and by the time we had our embryo transfer on day 5 they were all poor quality. The consultant said that this may just be a one off or it may be something that happens because of my eggs. If that’s the case then it may happen again.
The second thing that is really playing on my mind is my husband. This last few days he’s been behaving really strange. We haven’t been getting along at all well as he’s been so angry and moody. I feel constantly on edge, like I’m just waiting for my next telling off for something! He says he’s just feeling fed up with being ill etc. Of course I understand this but at the same time, he’s the best he’s been since last summer and things seem to be moving in the right direction in terms of getting him fixed.
The thing that really bother me was a comment he made yesterday on the way home from the clinic. He said that it pisses him off that he’ll never be a dad. I know that it must be incredibly hard for him that we are having to use donor sperm and for him to lose that genetic connection to any children that we may have but that won’t make him any less a father. I thought (and really hoped) that he’d made peace with this decision to use a donor but now I’m worried that he hasn’t and won’t ever.
The donor sperm is just an ingredient to start the fertilisation process off. It’s contribution is actually quite minimal after that. I spent time reading up on embryo development last night, after finding out about ours all reducing in quality after day 3. As it turns out, once the egg is fertilised it’s pretty much down to the egg to get busy with developing the foetal structures. Not to mention the fact that it’s all then down to the woman (me!) to produce a placenta to keep the foetus alive and then house and grow the baby in my womb for 9 months! Ok ok, I know there’s a little more to it than that but that’s the basic crux of it. What I’m trying to get across is that, sperm is just a tiny part of the whole process – really really tiny if you put it in perspective of the length of the whole life of a person. Being a dad is the forever after bit – it happens from the day of the positive pregnancy test and lasts a life time. That’s what my husband will be.
I’m dealing with real situations of crappy parenting every day in my work. Providing some sperm does not make you a father. Trust me, I see proof of this everyday, sadly.
My husband will be an amazing daddy. He’s funny, smart and generous (to name but a few qualities) – all of which our children would become because of him. Also, we’ve deliberately picked a donor with the same key physical qualities of my husband so the sperm will be contributing the same eye/hair colour, height, weight genes etc that he would.
I’m so frightened that if the next round of IVF doesn’t work, my husband will want to call it quits. It’s expensive and I know that’s really stressing him out. It is me too but unfortunately the cost is just a means to an end and there’s nothing we can do about it. It may well mean a few years of having to be careful with our money but when it works, it will provide a lifetime of having a family – there’s no contest! The financial implications of IVF are crap and it’s utterly shit that the NHS only gave us one free go when we should really get three but what can we do!
I just want us to have a baby more than anything in the world. It physically hurts when I think about it not happening. I’m so impatient for it to happen. Please let it happen soon!