Shattered dreams

After doing a whole series of pregnancy tests last week in the lead up to my OTD, my period arrived on Friday (the day before I was due to test).

I feel devastated and, if I’m honest, really cross that I let myself get so hopeful that it would be our time this cycle. We both got swept away with the optimism of the nurses at the clinic when we had our embryo transfer done and I was convinced we’d be celebrating this week. What an idiot I am!

3 cycles done, 3 times getting to blastocyst stage (5dt) and 3 times failure. So what next? If I got my way then we would just keep going again and again and again as many times as we need until we get our family! My husband on the other hand is already talking about adoption. Whilst this isn’t something that am ruling out, I’m not ready to go down that road yet. I so desperately want us to experience a pregnancy together and welcome a newborn into our family.

We have 1 precious embryo on ice so at least we have a FET in the pipeline and we have decided that we will definitely do another fresh IVF cycle in the hope that it works or, at worst, gets us some more frozen embies to add to the one we already have. The thing that is whirling around my head though is why have our 3 cycles so far failed? What will be different on our 4th go? Each time we have treatment, everything seems to go well up until the point of a pregnancy test. I get a reasonable number of eggs, good fertilisation and embryo quality has improved with each cycle. For some reason though, implantation obviously doesn’t occur. And I want to know why the hell not?!!

So… I am doing what I do best, I’m looking for a way to fix this issue. After extensive ‘talks’ with Dr Google, I’m thinking that it would be a good idea to have immune testing to rule out anything there that might be stopping the embryos from implanting. I know that my fertility clinic doesn’t support this so I plan to go elsewhere (probably to Dr Gorgy in London). I imagine this could be an expensive process but if it saves us the heartache of wasted cycles in the long run then it has to be worth it.

I need to believe that there is a reason why IVF hasn’t worked for us yet and that it is something that can be fixed. I need to believe that we will get our happy ending eventually.

Call the POAS police!

Oh dear, impatience has got the better of us!

I am currently 5dp5dt and yesterday and today I been feeling a few twinges and mild cramps. I am desperately trying to stay positive and praying that this is our little embryos implanting but I’m nervous that it could be the first signs of my period coming.

It was totally ridiculous to think that doing a pregnancy test today would show anything other than a BFN. Not to mention the fact that the test I used expired in November last year and it was the middle of the afternoon so my urine was really diluted. We did the test anyway and lo and behold, nothing! I’m trying not to let it bother me as I know it was too early to test really but there’s still a part of me that is worried that this cycle might not have worked.

I’m going to leave it 2 days and test again on Tuesday morning and then again every morning until OTD. Please, please, please let us get the result we want this week.

As close as we’ve ever been

I now have 2 beauties on board and 1 in the bank! I couldn’t be happier. 

Today’s embryo transfer was a massive success compared to our previous cycles. The drive over to the clinic was nerve-wracking as we were trying to prepare ourselves for the same news as we’ve had both times before – poor quality embryos. I was also stressing about the fact that my bladder was fit to burst and we always seem to be late going in, making the full bladder all the more excruciating! This time, we were early so we did have to wait but we we’re actually called into the transfer room on time. The news that came next, I really wasn’t expecting…

We have 2 really good quality embryos – both expanded blastocysts and graded 4AB. We also have one other that, whilst not as good as the other 2, is good enough to freeze today (I didn’t even know that they froze them on day 5 as I’d always been given the impression that they left them to day 6). The other embryos are still developing but are much slower and more ‘scruffy’ than the embryologist would like them to be so she’s going to leave them overnight and see if any are suitable for freezing tomorrow – I’m not anticipating they will be.

The fact that we have 2 great embryos and 1 suitable for freezing must mean that we totally made the right decision about changing our donor. It also means that there isn’t a problem with my eggs (something that could have been the reason for not getting to good day 5 blasts). I also think I have definitely responded better to the Gonal F than the Menopur. The only other thing I can think of that is different in this cycle is I have religiously taken Pregnacare Conception daily (rather than just folic acid in previous attempts). Whatever it is that’s worked better this time, we are in the best position that we’ve ever been in.

The embryologist and nurse gave us a full-on lecture about the risk of multiples if we put 2 back in, due to the good embryo quality. She actually said that if we fall pregnant, there is a higher chance that it would be twins than a singleton! We are both aware of the risks, and know that they are potentially very serious (and devastating), but we’ve always said we would have 2 transferred if we had the option and with this being our 3rd go at this, we’re going to take the leap of faith. I have read so many stories where women have had 2 perfect blasts put back in and then only one has implanted – not to mention all the stories where 2 are put back and it’s a BFN at the end of the 2ww! I just pray that we have success this time.

So now I am in what is probably the most difficult part of this whole process - the 2 week wait (2ww), or for us, 11 days. Now we just wait. I plan to do my bit to help our precious little embies settle in and implant by eating healthily, drinking lots, doing gentle exercise like walking the dog and trying to stay as stress-free as possible. The rest is down to nature and a dollop of luck hopefully.

Wish us luck!

The glamourous side of IVF

I have never felt as sexy as I do now (said with a massive hint of sarcasm)!

My stomach is bloated so I look as if I’m 4 months pregnant (I wish!), twice a day I have to stick suppositories up my bum, I have wind, diarrhea, pains when I need a wee… I could go on…oh what joy!

I have also got a case of mild OHSS. The nurse did warn me after egg collection that I was at risk due to the number of eggs I produced but I thought I’d be ok. I had become more and more uncomfortable since egg collection and last night in particular, I was really struggling. I was in a lot of discomfort and found it difficult to sleep – my ovaries were throbbing constantly and I couldn’t lie on my sides without making it worse. Fortunately today I am feeling in less pain; I have drunk bucket loads today so I think that may have helped.

Now for a little catch up… today is day 3 after egg collection. Our 19 eggs turned into 13 embryos over Thursday night and when I got a call from the clinic this morning, all 13 were still developing with 11 of them looking good (6-8 cells). This means we are booked in for a 5 day transfer on Tuesday. So far so good. Although I am trying to stay positive, I am very aware that it is at this point that things seem to go wrong for us. In both of our previous cycles all of our embryos have reduced in quality between days 3 and 5. I am hoping and praying that this time things will be different and that the change of donor sperm will help keep things moving forward.

Today is also Mother’s day here in the UK. We’ve had a lovely day, with both our families. I really hope that next year, I will be one of the lucky Mummies out there that got spoilt rotten!

This chick had a lot of eggs!

It would appear that all of that discomfort was for a good reason. My scan last Friday showed 11 follicles ranging from 7 – 16mm; by Monday their sizes were between 9 – 20mm and then today’s egg collection produced a massive 19 eggs! For me that’s a huge number of eggs (I know for other people that might be average), its more than I could have imagined. The surprise when the clinic told me… I think I asked them 3 times to double check as I was coming round from the sedation!

We were at the clinic for ages afterwards as there was a problem in the lab and delays with spinning the sperm. This, obviously, sent my stress levels sky high but after 2 hours we were finally seen by the embryologist and it turns out that the first batch of sperm didn’t thaw out well enough so they did another batch. I’m glad for the wait now, at least we know that we got some good sperm. Now I just hope that there is some ‘jiggy action’ taking place in the lab tonight so that tomorrow morning’s phone call about fertilisation rate beings good news!

Ok ovaries, I hear you!

9 days into stimms and my ovaries are flipping killing me!

I never experienced this amount of discomfort on either of my other cycles and it started early, after about 5 days on the Gonal F. I have no idea if this is normal or not but I can’t help but feel a little anxious about what tomorrow’s scan will show. Yes, of course I’m hoping for lots of lovely follies but I’m nervous that what I’m feeling is mild OHSS.

I’m not normally a hypochondriac, it’s just that I feel so different this time, in terms of discomfort, that I’m letting my paranoia get the better of me! The first two cycles went like clockwork – except for the negative pregnancy tests at the end! I’m scared to death that something will go wrong with this cycle and it will have to be abandoned.

Hopefully tomorrow I will find out that it’s all nothing to be concerned about and we’re on track for egg collection sometime next week.

In other news, tomorrow is also D Day for my husband. He’ll officially be getting his redundancy notice in the morning, although he should be getting another month to source a job in the company before he has to leave. It’s going to be a rubbish day (and month probably) for him and I wish there was something that I could do to fix it but I’m sure he’ll soon be sorted with a brand spanking new job, ruling the roost again!

As normal as can be

I’m a week into my down regulation injections and so far I’m free from any side effects. In fact I feel the same as I always do. This is pretty normal for me – I seem to be one of the lucky people that don’t get too affected by the drugs for IVF. In both my previous cycles the side effects have been minimal, only really showing their faces as I get further into the treatment.

Reading about other people’s experiences on the ‘wonder web’ (and believe me, I have read A LOT of other blogs on IVF) it would appear that some woman really do go through the mill when taking the cocktail of drugs needed to get our bodies in tip-top baby-making shape!

It always amazes me how us gals can differ so much! How can some of us get literally every side effect under the sun and others get hardly a hot flush to grumble about? Surely if these drugs are supposed to flood our systems and take control of our hormones, the outcomes should be the same for everyone. Not that I’m complaining, especially as I’m one of the smug ones that can sit back and read the stories of woman who turn in the female version of The Incredible Hulk within days of their first injection, knowing I’m still feeling like me.

* Disclaimer: I should probably note that I may be tempting fate and, as a result, have to retract the comments in this post. For this cycle I am, as I’ve mentioned in a previous post, using a different drug for the next stage of my cycle. I have no idea how I will respond to this but I pray that my good luck and lack of side effects continues. *

The drugs are chillin’!

Yesterday saw the lorry load of drugs for our next IVF cycle delivered. It really is quite daunting when you first see the 2 huge boxes arrive at the door. Ok, so most of it is packaging but there are still A LOT of drugs inside those boxes and they only have one place to go over the next 2 months… inside me… eek!! For now though, they are tucked up in the fridge. Just chilling out and waiting to do their stuff and make my body into the baby making machine that it really needs to be this time!

For this cycle I am taking all the same drugs except for the stimming meds. This time the clinic have prescribed me Gonal F instead of Menopur; I didn’t realise this was the case until I saw the prescription last week. I have no idea why they’ve changed me to Gonal F but, obviously, I’ve done my usual and spent hours researching the difference between Menopur and Gonal F on Mr Google! There seems to be a lot of conflicting information out there. Some say that Gonal F produces better quality eggs, others disagree. Then there’s the ones that say that the extra LH in Menopur makes cycles more likely to work, others disagree. I have no idea what to believe but I suppose each woman is different and no two cycles are the same so it’s impossible to predict what difference the Gonal F will make to our cycle this time.

I just snow this is the donor for us!

Greetings from a very snowy England!

This weekend has seen a huge amount of the white stuff land on our door step. Now this usually grinds the whole country to a stop but I have to give credit where it’s due – I think for once we were actually prepared for the snow. The roads have remained clear and life as we know it seems to be carrying on pretty much as normal. This isn’t all good news however – it means that there will be no ‘snow day’ for me tomorrow and I will have to drag myself to work! Grrr!

 

Seeing as it’s been 4 months since my husbands big op and his health is so much better, we thought it might be worth him having another sperm test to see if things have improved in that department. As it happens, it wasn’t meant to be. The results are in and there are still zero sperm in his sample.   I guess we were clutching at straws to think that he could go from nothing being found in an SSR to something being there now in an ordinary sample but it is still really disappointing. What did make me smile a little though was that my husband actually said that if there had been anything found he would have been slightly reluctant to go further with another SSR to try to get enough sperm to use for ICSI because it would have been so expensive. I know it may sound strange that him saying this made me smile but it’s actually the fact that he’s made peace with the fact that we need a donor that makes me happy.

Talking of donors, after we had our ‘commiserations appointment’ last month to discuss the failure of our last cycle, one of the things we discussed was changing our donor. The one we have used for the last 2 cycles requires ICSI which adds just over £1000 to the cost of the cycle. I always thought it was a bit odd using a donor that needed ICSI as surely this means that the sperm is not quite top-notch. The consultant agreed and said we should try a new one. Interestingly, when I called the unit to find out our options on other donors, the nurse I spoke to was adamant that our previous donor was fine and sounded irritated that the consultant had suggested it would be best to have one that doesn’t require ICSI! Anyway, she told me the options of the others available and there was only one that sounded ok. Here are the details of our new donor:

• Fair / medium skin
• Mid brown hair
• Green eyes
• 6ft tall
• 11 stone
• Career: Garden design / artistic
• Interests / hobbies: Sports, fishing
• Married

So, we now have this donor assigned to us and at least that means we are going to save a little bit of money on our next cycle. I just hope that our new donor brings us the result that we so desperately crave!

2013…. could 13 be lucky for us?

Hello my poor neglected blog… how have you been? I won’t bother with the excuses for my absence because I have none – other than laziness! Sorry.

Right, first things first, a quick catch up:

* IVF#2 = BFN     We had 7 eggs collected on 24th Oct. 5 fertilised and were still going strong on day 3 so we had a 5 day transfer on 29th Oct. I was a good girl this time and didn’t test early but my good behaviour was not rewarded. On the morning of our OTD (9th Nov) I woke up to find my period had started and surprise surprise the test was negative. We both took it much harder this time and it has taken a long while for the black cloud to lift.

* I’m going to be an auntie! My brother announced that he and his wife are expecting. This has been a double edged sword, however. I am obviously thrilled for him and my sister-in-law but I can’t help but feel a tinge of sadness that it isn’t me and my husband. It’s particularly difficult because the baby is due around the time that ours would have been if the last IVF cycle had worked.

* Christmas greetings and a NYE in style! We had a fabulous xmas, spent with my brother, sister-in-law, dad and grand parents. Lots of fun, food and drink was had by all (except my SIL of course!). NYE was spent in London, just me and the hubby. It was a great evening and an opportunity to see the fun, happy side of my husband come out to play – something that had been stolen by Crohn’s the previous 2 NYEs. It truly is great to have him back and able to go out and enjoy himself again. Long may it continue! My new year resolutions this year are: get pregnant/have a baby (of course this had to be on the list!), restore the affection that has dwindled in our relationship since the start of the whole Crohn’s drama, take more photographs, exercise at least 4 times a week, eat healthier, and grow nice finger nails. I’ll keep an update of my progress on these in this blog!

And that brings us to now. I guess I should add one more thing to my list of new year resolutions… blog more regularly. I will certainly try, that I can promise.

So… 2013… what will it bring? I like the start of a new year. It is a bit like a fresh start, a clean slate to do the things we perhaps couldn’t or didn’t do before but wanted to. Everyone is full of hope that the new year will bring them luck and a chance to realise their aspirations in some shape or form. The hard part, however,  is keeping that initial positivity and motivation going. As we go through January and get back onto the treadmill of normal life and back to work, it is so easy to get swamped and lose focus.

For me though, there is still one thing that I am whole heartedly focussed on and no amount of January blues will change that. IVF cycle # 3 is just around the corner – I start the first drug in 3 weeks. I am clinging onto the hope that the new year will bring a new beginning for TeamWMeister.