It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted, sorry. Life has just passed me by a little bit recently. For some reason I seem to have fallen into a bit of an emotional slump. I am severely lacking in motivation for, well, pretty much anything at the moment. I’m not entirely sure why this is – a combination of all sorts I’m sure.
One of my major downfalls is my impatience. I am one of those people who once I’ve made my mind up about something, I want it yesterday. This personality trait isn’t particularly conducive to IVF. Everything is a waiting game and it’s a game i really don’t want to play. I decided a long time ago that I was ready for a family. My husband, thankfully, felt the same so we were good to go. Except that nature/fate/health *delete as appropriate* had different ideas. I know that there are millions of people who are in the same boat as us, having to enter the stressful world of assisted conception and sadly there are many who have bigger problems than us both in fertility and health wise. This doesn’t make our issues seem any less hard though. It just seems to be one thing after another that goes wrong or jeopardises the start of our IVF cycle. I feel like I’m running a marathon and someone keeps moving the finish line further and further away. It’s mentally exhausting.
Next week, my husband has his SSR (surgical sperm removal). I’m trying very hard not to contemplate the negative outcomes of this. They simply have to find healthy sperm. That is all.
Today I had the results from a CT scan I had a couple of weeks ago. I suffer from reoccurring headaches and sinus problems and it turns out I have a deviated septum and a conchal bullosa (whatever that is!!) and I need an operation to fix it. As soon as the consultant said it, my first thought was “Will this push back our IVF treatment?”. I now have something else to stress about! Providing the SSR next week is a success, I am banking on us being able to start our cycle towards the end of April. My sinus operation is booked for 23rd April. Argghhh!!! The down regulating drugs that I will have to take initially for the IVF are in the form of a nasal spray and there’s no way I’ll be able to take them straight after having my operation. So…. I’m wondering if I can down regulate using injections instead. I know this can be done but I will need to see if my fertility clinic allow it. If they don’t then that will put our treatment back yet another month. Is there anyone who’s reading this who has done the injections rather than the nasal spray? If so I’d love to hear about your experiences – how did you find doing all of those injections? It’s certainly not something I relish the thought of but if it means one less month of running this marathon then I will.
This post feels like it’s bordering on a whine fest. Apologies for that. I’m just finding life, and the hurdles in our way, very wearing.
My husband’s health, whilst he is loads better than he was a couple of months ago, is still very up and down. This is stressful for him and my impatience is starting to rise its evil head. Impatient, not with my husband (although he probably feels like it is at times, poor guy), but with his illness. It is always there. Even on a ‘good day’. I want him to be better now. Not soon, NOW. Hmmm… patience is a virtue.
Then on the other side of my ‘patience fence’, IVF is dominating practically my every waking thought and we haven’t even started the treatment yet! What the hell will I be like then?! I’m hoping that it will actually be a bit easier because at least then something is actually happening. Maybe then the finish line will find a spot it likes and I will see it in the distance. Who knows… I might even reach it!
Ok, rant over. I’ve decided I’m going to give myself a little while longer to wallow in the emotional rut I find myself in at the moment and then I will force myself to snap out of it. It’s not helpful and makes me feel worse but I just need to feel sorry for myself for a bit. But for now, I’m quite simply fed up. Fed up of waiting for things to look brighter.
I’m thinking that March can be a fresh start for my positivity. Watch this space!
Thanks for listening.