It was our official test day (OTD) today and, although I already knew what the outcome would be, I still had a spark of optimism (aka desperate hope!) running through my veins. As it turns out, this was to be extinguished on waking this morning before I had even got to test – my period had arrived! I still tested, just for the hell of it, and surprise surprise it showed up negative. So that’s it for this IVF cycle – it’s game over.
So I did what any girl does in times of such sorrow – I hit the shops. Thank god for mid-summer sales! My shopping spree would have been more helpful had it not been for the immense number of pregnant woman on the streets at the moment. It’s like they were all on a mission to flaunt their heaving baby-filled bellies at me, taunting me with the one thing I want the most! Bitches!
Generally though, I do think I’m taking the whole IVF failure thing quite well. Even my husband said to me this afternoon that it’s ok to have a cry if I need to. He’s worried that I have a meltdown brewing and that if I just let out my emotions now, I’ll feel much better. He’s probably right (annoyingly he often is) but I think I really am ok… ish. Of course I am totally gutted that this hasn’t worked for us but I so whole heartedly believe that we will have a family one day that I know it’s just a matter of brushing ourselves off and trying again. There is the fear in the back of my mind that it keeps on failing and therefore puts us under massive financial strain as we try again and again but what other option is there? I simply cannot contemplate life with us not being parents. Whenever and however it comes about, come about it will. Of that I am certain and because of this, I can keep that meltdown at bay for a while longer.